Vomiting cockney lunatic Mike Ashley has instructed bewildered ground staff to dig up the turf at St James’s Park, the home of Newcastle United F.C., and replace it with an open-air branch of Sports Direct.
It is understood that Newcastle will still play their home games at the ground, but players will now have to negotiate a combination of shopfloor furniture, tills, staff, charvers, and huge racks of cheap shite.
“Scores are likely to be lower owing to the fact we’re having automatic doors installed in each of the goalmouths,” Sports Direct Finance Director Steve Buggery told press gathered outside the company’s main UK distribution centre, Zero Hours House. Buggery said that the change in surface means that players will now have to wear carpet slippers rather than football boots, and confirmed that they will also be frisked by a security guard before leaving the pitch at full time.
The chairman of the Newcastle United Supporters’ Association, who is currently at the bottom of the River Tyne, was unavailable for comment.