Television

Danny Dyer has genitals replaced with framed photo of Chris Tarrant

Walford hard man in Christmas Day tragedy

Stunt-cockney Danny Dyer has had a mahogany-framed photograph of entertainer and quiz show host Chris Tarrant surgically attached to his body where his cock and bollocks used to be.

Dyer, 57, lost his genitals in a Christmas Day sledging accident in Walthamstow in 2015. “All the fucking hospitals were closed,” he says, “because it was fucking Christmas. So I was stood there at the bottom of the hill with me knob and testes in me fucking hand, dialling furiously with the other one for an ambulance that never fucking came.”

“All I can say is: don’t go fucking sledging on your own on Christmas fucking Day.”

Dyer attempted to break into Iceland to get some frozen peas into which to deposit his severed gonads, but was foiled when a passing eagle swooped down and half-inched the todger and ballsack while the blokey actor was distracted.

Now, two years later, Dyer has decided that it’s time to move on.

“I’ve always admired Tarrant,” said the stubble-faced thesp, “and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that the meat and two veg are almost certainly brown bread. So the photo of Chris was, really, the natural fucking choice.”

When we approached him for comment, Tarrant was his usual happy-go-lucky self. “Get off my drive or I’m going to call the police,” joked the former TISWAS man.