Finance

BoE puts interest rates up to 100%

MPC rallies behind dubious social experiment

The Bank of England Governor (now known simply as ‘Mark’ after his recent decision to jettison his surname in a bid to appear more approachable) has surprised financiers and the City by increasing the base rate by 99.75%.

Today’s meeting of the Monetary Policy Committee was the first to be held since last month’s reshuffle which saw all of the existing panel sacked and replaced by a number of high-profile individuals from the world of showbiz. The BoE was criticised for that decision amid speculation it had bowed to pressure from The Sun’s successful “Execute The Experts” campaign, which has already seen the country’s leading cardiothoracic surgeons deported and replaced by white van drivers.

The meeting, held at Spearmint Rhino, was attended by:

  • Mark
  • Chris Tarrant
  • The Banker off Deal or No Deal
  • Money Saving Expert Martin Lewis
  • Former BBC Newsreader Martyn Lewis
  • Former Head of HM Prison Service Derek Lewis
  • Former Olympic athlete Denise Lewis
  • Lewis Hamilton
  • Lewis (Inspector Morse)
  • Paris Hilton
  • Nigel Havers
  • Sting

The new Committee voted unanimously in favour of the rate rise. The only initial defector was Derek Lewis, who relented after Mark threatened to overrule him.

Interviewed afterwards, a crestfallen Havers said: “Shit. I’ve just realised that the buy-to-let mortgage I’ve just taken out on a one-bed flat in Rotherham is now going to cost me £6,000,000 a month. I’d better give Carl a ring and tell him that the rent is going up.”