The Prime Minister, Theresa May – described yesterday by a close ally in the Tory Party as “not so much a lame duck as a duck who’s been shot, roasted, mashed up with a couple of them forks that Chinese restaurants use, eaten, and pooed out into an active volcano” – has yet again fallen “fowl” of the Westminster elite by accidentally getting a baked potato stuck to her face. [Editor’s note: That’s right, the existence of this article is predicated entirely on the fact that the picture above of her drinking tea from a wooden bowl makes it look a bit like she’s got a baked potato stuck to her face. Just run with it, yeah? I’m already running out of ideas here.]
The potato, 52, is currently lodged directly between May’s eyeballs after having been thrown at her by disaffected lunatic and walking disaster area Boris Alexander Armstrong De Pfefffeffeffl Maximilian III De Johnson during an argument about cress. Johnson, who caused controversy last month by accidentally killing a toddler during a fun run, is himself back in the spotlight owing to his recent declaration that British people who are unable to speak fluent Latin should be sterilised.
Meanwhile, May, who is currently in Japan for the launch of the new Street Fighter game, was seen during engagements desperately attempting to remove the potato – but to no avail. In the picture above, Japanese premier Shinzo Abe can be seen laughing his arse off at the hapless sod.
A spokeswoman for the PM, interviewed by the Today programme this morning, said “I can’t do this anymore. I have hit rock bottom.” Host John Humphrys then made her cry a bit with his famous interview technique before donning a top hat and driving home in a car made of fifty quid notes.