Lunatic White House-dweller and likely imminent co-destroyer of human civilisation Donald J. Trump has sensationally fired his new Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci, and replaced him with tough-talking amphibian and fellow reality TV veteran Kermit The Frog.
Scaramucci was in the job for less than two weeks before he rendered his own position untenable after accidentally declaring war on Burkina Faso during a botched attempt to order a pizza. It is also understood that, during his brief tenure, he had virtually no opportunity to shout his surname at people twice before making informal enquiries regarding their willingness to do a popular Spanish dance.
Frog, 53, is an ardent supporter of Trump and in particular is likely to serve as an influential go-between for the beleagured President and his nominal party of choice, the GOP – to which Frog is one of a cabal of long-term, high net-worth donors.
However, Frog’s appointment was seen by some as a surprise given Trump’s stated aim of ‘draining the swamp’ – a move which has the potential to cause the loss of millions of amphibian lives through the destruction of their natural habitat.
In his first address to the media since his appointment, Frog – sitting on the top of the briefing room lectern with his legs dangling over the side – was characteristally bullish. “If you print any lies about me or my family,” he told a terrified press conference, “I will track you down and torture you to death.” He then fired a gun into the air, sang a song about the alphabet and ran off with his hands waving around above his head.