Offal “an acceptable means of staff remuneration” – Roux Jr

Value of pound plummets against the rectum

The television chef and restaurateur Michel Roux Jr has been criticised by union officials after it emerged that he pays his staff in offal rather than money.

All staff – including his head chef at Le Gavroche, the former Muse frontman Matt Bellamy – are paid in a mixture of lamb’s liver and minced stomach, which is stuffed into envelopes and wheelbarrowed into their front gardens on a monthly basis by specially-trained couriers.

Even unpaid and work experience staff – including Roux Jr’s own grandson, three-year-old trainee sous chef Michel Roux Jr Jr Jr – have their expenses reimbursed in chopped colon rather than more traditional forms of currency such as Bitcoin or crystal meth.

Speaking to the Telegraph from a den made of haggis and testes, Roux Jr was unrepentant, claiming “As long as there is a hole in my arse, I will not trust cash – look what happened to the Drachma. Imagine if I started paying my staff in pounds and pence rather than bovine entrails, and suddenly there was another financial crash. The potential consequences would be offal. Er, awful.”